Although we live in an increasingly individualistic society, we have been conditioned that it is honorable to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. It’s not honorable- it’s actually harmful. We have been taught to look outside of ourselves to meet our core needs like validation and love.
How can others meet our needs if they are also looking outside themselves for theirs?
Let that concept sink in for a minute… We look to the people closest to us for this, whether they are able to provide it or not.
We base our opinions of ourselves (our internal beliefs about our abilities, worth, and overall value) on the opinion of others, when the truth is, how others think about us has so much more to do with how they think about themselves. The most critical and unkind people are usually masking some major insecurities of their own.
Growing up, we depend on our caregivers to meet our core emotional needs which are fundamental for healthy emotional development. These include secure attachment, freedom to express our needs, and a sense of autonomy. However, most of us don’t learn these concepts until we’re in therapy as adults! We rely on our families, schools, peers, and community teach and model healthy ways of being in the world, but when most people are living in a state of survival mode just trying to make it from one day to the next, we end up teaching and modeling survival mode. This creates vulnerability to all the unhealthy ways of coping that are normalized in society.
“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted in a profoundly sick society.”
~ J. Krishnamurti
Since we’re biologically wired for survival, as children we adapt to survive our environments and our unmet needs. This is often in the form of internalizing the belief that we’re not worthy of having these needs met and/or denying to ourselves that we even have needs.
Forgive yourself for the ways you had to adapt to survive.
As adults, we have so much more to offer everyone around us when our needs have been met. If you are a parent, becoming more compassionate with yourself will give you more patience with your children, too. The best gift we can give our kids is to give them caregivers who demonstrate self-love and emotional regulation in the ways that we hope they will one day love and care for themselves. Healing yourself heals generations.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
The first step in being able to meet your needs is knowing what they are. Being able to identify these could be somewhat new to you if you’re used to focusing on everyone else’s. Give some thought to creating a list of your needs (no matter what they are- there are no wrong answers!), as well as some ways to get those needs met.
Weekly Affirmations
“I accept myself just as I am.”
“I am my number one source of love and validation.”
“I base my worth on only kind, loving thoughts about myself.”
Thank you for being here. <3