California

My brother has lived in Los Angeles for about forty years, and thanks to him, I’ve been fortunate to have spent a lot of time in and around LA where some of my fondest memories have been made. My children and I moved to Pasadena very soon after the death of my husband- partly in an attempt to run away, but also to run toward my brother and his family in Santa Monica, my husband’s family scattered along the west coast, and some friends I had made through Camp Widow. The kids and I had never been so embraced by a more loving and compassionate community as the one we stumbled upon in Pasadena; not before, and not since. And it was instant. Our street, just a few blocks from Altadena, was filled with families and children the same ages as mine. We were embraced like long lost family and included in birthday parties, play dates, Easter egg hunts, a wedding, Christmas Eves, trips to the beach, and nature hikes that included trails that were practically in our back yard in Eaton Canyon. My next door neighbor had become one of my closest friends. There are many unfortunate reasons we had to move back to New York, and I longed to return to Pasadena ever since to be surrounded by the love we so desperately still needed. I’m so grateful to have been able to live there for two years and experience what it feels like to be embraced and included. A piece of my heart has always been in California because of my brother, and another will always reside in Pasadena.

It’s agonizing to think of what my old neighbors and the entire community are enduring. The street we lived on was somehow spared- the fires came within two blocks of it, although who knows when the utilities will be restored, the damage they’ll find from the hurricane-force winds, soot, and potential theft and damage from looters by the time they can return home. Friends have lost homes, businesses, their entire way of life- right down to their schools, grocery stores, outdoor activities, places of worship, etc. Most of the people in the areas that were destroyed had homes that were about 100 years old and have been in their families for decades. Despite what the general public might think, Pasadena and Altadena is mostly comprised of middle class families; it’ll be nearly impossible for most of those residents to afford the current cost of homes in that area which have more than doubled in the past decade alone. Most or all do not have fire insurance. Anyone who didn’t lose their home is wracked with survivor’s guilt for still having one to come back to. It almost feels wrong to say how I feel because I’m safe on the other side of the country. Every single person out there will be affected for the rest of their lives by this in some way; the grief is profound, and the trauma will be lasting. There is some solace in knowing that this is a community comprised of kind, compassionate souls who will show up for one another in the best possible ways for years to come.

Felita Lewis Kealing, a friend who is an administrator for the Pasadena Unified School District where my son went to school, also lost her home. She has selflessly declined financial support that the community has been offering to her and her family, and is asking that the support be directed instead to the Pasadena Educational Foundation’s Response Fund. Felita said this organization ‘will be coordinating with other community partners to address the immediate needs and deliver resources where they will have the greatest impact.’

There are no words that can adequately describe the devastation from the fires all around the LA area. Lives have been lost- mostly elderly folks and disabled people who were unable to evacuate. Wildlife, habitats, pets... It has been painful to see the callous comments on social media about the residents of LA- including celebrities who lost homes. These are human beings who put their hearts and souls in their homes just like anyone else. It’s where many of them have lived their whole lives, and where they raised their children. Sentimental items like artwork from when their children were little, old photos, and other irreplaceable items are gone. And then there’s the widowed population who have to deal with all this in addition to the loss of their person… John Mayer said it well:

“Just behind the immeasurable loss of life is the loss of the proof of life. I don’t practice prayer but tonight I will say one for everyone who no longer has these items. It’s not about the art and the collectibles. It’s the photos, the letters, the class rings, the eyeglasses and the things we keep to remind us that those we loved were here.”

My brother and his girlfriend are safe for now, but the fires are still not contained and the air is toxic. They, like so many others, have survivor's guilt. Many of their friends have also lost their homes, and they’re mourning the loss of so much of what they’ve loved their whole lives. Nothing will be the same for anyone out there.

Endless gratitude for the firefighters and first responders that have been giving their all to save lives and property, for the civilians who have been heroes for their neighbors, and for the outpouring of assistance from our Canadian and Mexican neighbors who have been providing water bombers and firefighters in an attempt to contain the firestorm despite the relentless wind and drought.

Housing is an immediate need in LA- thousands of people and pets have been displaced. One way to help is by donating to the American Red Cross so they can provide necessary aid to those in need, including temporary housing. Another way to help is by reaching out to anyone you know in the Los Angeles area. Keep checking in on your loved ones. Show up for them any way you can. They will need all the love and support they can get right now, and probably for years to come.

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo from Les Miserables.

Through my own experience with profound loss, I know this to be true. It may never shine quite as bright, but in time with love and intention, it can be a different kind of beautiful.

Sending all of my deepest and sincerest heartfelt love and prayers to the community that showed me what community is all about, and to the whole of Los Angeles.

Thank you for being here. <3

My children and I in front of our former home in Pasadena in 2009. (Photo cred to my brother Bryan.)